Simon Pyrites Hardship Fund

"Hard is the road I make for thee. All those who follow me must abandon all that is dear to them, even unto the last bus pass. The road to redemption is a difficult one, fraught with peril and temptation and only the most pure in heart, or the most senseless with drink may travel its length."

Simon Pyrites fourteenth abjuration to the Molluscs, lines 987-991

It is a true fact, brothers and sisters, that the path of the blessed is not an easy one and that there are many casualties along the way. Unhappily even in our own ranks, it is not easy to continue to make the sacrifices necessary to spread the word. There have been individual tragedies.

It is with a heavy heart I must tell you that that most stalwart and muscular of disciples, St Stephen, one of the heroes of our recent devastating victory over the River of Life Church, is now in desparate trouble. Some time ago St Stephen was attacked by the Devil disguised as a kitchen rug who sought to smite him when he was at his weakest, naked and paralytically drunk and trying to cook a beef stroganoff at three in the morning. St Stephen fought him off, but not before the Devil bit off one of his legs. Such was the bearing and courage of St Stephen that no-one noticed this fact till now. Tragically brothers and sisters, St Stephen is now virtually a vegetable, unnable even to borrow a fraction of the money he used to daily accumulate in his prime. It is a lamentable thing to see.

Brothers and sisters I ask you to donate what you can so we can make the last days of St Stephen and Lou comfortable and dignified. Send what you can afford to:

The Third Mission of Simon Pyrites
c/o The Back Bar of the Hole in the wa'
Queensberry Street
Dumfries

or contact me at
thirdmissionofsimonpyrites@hotmail.com

ST Stephen yesterday.

Our Enemies Flee Before Us

St Stevie and St Keith join the battle

"Lo our enemies flee before us, they are chaff before our scythe, they are like the sand that gets into your underpants, annoying but easily removed in a colour wash"

Simon Pyrites, line 4-5, in his 8th Postcard from Carstairs.

Many of our disciples across the seas have been eagerly e-mailing to find out what happened in the fight between the ThirdMission of Simon Pyrites and the River of Life Church, scheduled for Sunday 5th November. The result was a complete defeat for the forces of darkness and schism. From my vantage point in a tree a mile and a half a mile away I saw the battle joined in robust fashion. The enemy had drafted in a ringer , a huge bloke with tattoos, who'd been in Barlinnie for armed robbery before he'd seen the light, and as a result they were cocksure and confident, but no sooner had he waded in than the loyal disciples, St Stephen and the ex-marine St Keith weighed in with football socks full of gravel. It was all over in moments, our enemies fleeing along the Whitesands with the jeers of our mighty host ringing in their ears. It will be a long time before I forget the sight of St Keith and St Stephen, stripped to the waist in the sweat and the heat of the conflict, smiting their enemies right and left. I will commission a giant mural of this scene by the legendary artist Eric Booth Mouldymouth and it will grace the wall of the east transcept in the mighty cathedral that will soon tower over the skyline of Drumsleet, to the glory of the Third Mission of Simon Pyrites.

So please send all your contributions, including gold, so that our vision can be realised. If you have no money but have a young daughter you can help God by sending her so I can sell her to an Albanian.