Friday, November 10, 2006

Our Enemies Flee Before Us


St Stevie and St Keith join the battle
"Lo our enemies flee before us, they are chaff before our scythe, they are like the sand that gets into your underpants, annoying but easily removed in a colour wash"
Simon Pyrites, line 4-5, in his 8th Postcard from Carstairs.
Many of our disciples across the seas have been eagerly e-mailing to find out what happened in the fight between the ThirdMission of Simon Pyrites and the River of Life Church, scheduled for Sunday 5th November. The result was a complete defeat for the forces of darkness and schism. From my vantage point in a tree a mile and a half a mile away I saw the battle joined in robust fashion. The enemy had drafted in a ringer , a huge bloke with tattoos, who'd been in Barlinnie for armed robbery before he'd seen the light, and as a result they were cocksure and confident, but no sooner had he waded in than the loyal disciples, St Stephen and the ex-marine St Keith weighed in with football socks full of gravel. It was all over in moments, our enemies fleeing along the Whitesands with the jeers of our mighty host ringing in their ears. It will be a long time before I forget the sight of St Keith and St Stephen, stripped to the waist in the sweat and the heat of the conflict, smiting their enemies right and left. I will commission a giant mural of this scene by the legendary artist Eric Booth Mouldymouth and it will grace the wall of the east transcept in the mighty cathedral that will soon tower over the skyline of Drumsleet, to the glory of the Third Mission of Simon Pyrites.

So please send all your contributions, including gold, so that our vision can be realised. If you have no money but have a young daughter you can help God by sending her so I can sell her to an Albanian.

2 comments:

ST KEITH said...

It is with deep honour that our beloved saviour Simon, should mention his humble servants St Stevie and St Keith. It is true that a mighty battle took place and our enemies were smitten. It was only thru our saviours grace, that we were given the strength to carry out his will.


It is thru you Simon that we truly see the light.
Your humble servant St Keith xxx

simonpyrites said...

St keith, are you available to model for our Cult artist Eric Booth Mouldymouth on Saturday afternoon. He wan6s to paint you in your loin cloth on the top of Tynron Doon.