Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Simon Pyrites Hardship Fund

"Hard is the road I make for thee. All those who follow me must abandon all that is dear to them, even unto the last bus pass. The road to redemption is a difficult one, fraught with peril and temptation and only the most pure in heart, or the most senseless with drink may travel its length."

Simon Pyrites fourteenth abjuration to the Molluscs, lines 987-991

It is a true fact, brothers and sisters, that the path of the blessed is not an easy one and that there are many casualties along the way. Unhappily even in our own ranks, it is not easy to continue to make the sacrifices necessary to spread the word. There have been individual tragedies.

It is with a heavy heart I must tell you that that most stalwart and muscular of disciples, St Stephen, one of the heroes of our recent devastating victory over the River of Life Church, is now in desparate trouble. Some time ago St Stephen was attacked by the Devil disguised as a kitchen rug who sought to smite him when he was at his weakest, naked and paralytically drunk and trying to cook a beef stroganoff at three in the morning. St Stephen fought him off, but not before the Devil bit off one of his legs. Such was the bearing and courage of St Stephen that no-one noticed this fact till now. Tragically brothers and sisters, St Stephen is now virtually a vegetable, unnable even to borrow a fraction of the money he used to daily accumulate in his prime. It is a lamentable thing to see.

Brothers and sisters I ask you to donate what you can so we can make the last days of St Stephen and Lou comfortable and dignified. Send what you can afford to:

The Third Mission of Simon Pyrites
c/o The Back Bar of the Hole in the wa'
Queensberry Street

or contact me at

ST Stephen yesterday.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Our Enemies Flee Before Us

St Stevie and St Keith join the battle
"Lo our enemies flee before us, they are chaff before our scythe, they are like the sand that gets into your underpants, annoying but easily removed in a colour wash"
Simon Pyrites, line 4-5, in his 8th Postcard from Carstairs.
Many of our disciples across the seas have been eagerly e-mailing to find out what happened in the fight between the ThirdMission of Simon Pyrites and the River of Life Church, scheduled for Sunday 5th November. The result was a complete defeat for the forces of darkness and schism. From my vantage point in a tree a mile and a half a mile away I saw the battle joined in robust fashion. The enemy had drafted in a ringer , a huge bloke with tattoos, who'd been in Barlinnie for armed robbery before he'd seen the light, and as a result they were cocksure and confident, but no sooner had he waded in than the loyal disciples, St Stephen and the ex-marine St Keith weighed in with football socks full of gravel. It was all over in moments, our enemies fleeing along the Whitesands with the jeers of our mighty host ringing in their ears. It will be a long time before I forget the sight of St Keith and St Stephen, stripped to the waist in the sweat and the heat of the conflict, smiting their enemies right and left. I will commission a giant mural of this scene by the legendary artist Eric Booth Mouldymouth and it will grace the wall of the east transcept in the mighty cathedral that will soon tower over the skyline of Drumsleet, to the glory of the Third Mission of Simon Pyrites.

So please send all your contributions, including gold, so that our vision can be realised. If you have no money but have a young daughter you can help God by sending her so I can sell her to an Albanian.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Behold the Word 3


has challenged
The River of Life Church
To a fight in the Dock Park,
November 5th 7.00 pm.

We urge all our members
To attend and remember
The words of Simon Pyrites:

“Feareth not those who
useth brute force
for theyare miserable wretches .
The Authority
of his Word is our shield, and faith
Our blade. However, If that should fail,
Cutteth thee a leg from an
Old pair of tights and, filling
It to the brim with rubble,
Conceal it in thy pants from the old Bill
Then Ye shall see
All our enemies Flee in consternation at the
Power of our truth”

(Simon Pyrites’ third statement
to the police, chapter 14 vs 6-8)

Behold the Word 2

“and the foolish, still clinging to the wickedness
of their false ways, did howl and jeer at Simon
as he came unto them, crying “You are nought
but a chancer and profiteer who seeketh to benefit
from the miseries of others. Get thee hence!” And they
wailed mightily, seeking pennies for Happy
Hour in the seams of their garments as they wept.
Then Simon spoke, sadly, unto them, as
thou might to wayward children or retards and sayeth:
“Look at this most wretched creature” and he gestureth
towards a man slumped at his bench, haggard and
old beforeth his time, with only a tiny black
pouch to contain his few miserable pound coins, “dost thou
think thy father cares not for even such as he?”
and, before the amazed eyes of all the derelicts,
he turned the remains of the man’s whisky into
a bus pass…….

Simon Pyrite’s First Letter to Cameron House,
Chapter 3, vs 34-89.

The Mission of Simon Pyrites will be holding
A prayer meeting for the incapacitated and
their carers on Sunday 29th October in the
Hole in the Wa’ at 2.00pm
or contact your local Mission at thirdmissionofsimonpyrites@hotmail.com

Behold the Word

“….and the people were much afraid,
and went to their neighbours doors, wailing
“Who shall gathereth in the corn and arrowroot
now that our father is on incapacity benefit?”
But Simon said “showeth me the crippled
patriarch who built such strong dykes
and fathered scores of children in his mighty
breeches, so I may do the work of my heavenly
Master.” And they showeth Simon to the palette
wherein their father lay, swaddled in blankets
and drinking deeply in his despair, and Simon
sayeth, brandishing the crutches, “Rise now,
for I have a place for thee standing straight
and tall as a young sapling.” And to the
amazement of the people, even those of the
DHSS hidden among the olive trees, Simon
and he walketh without aid to the local Inn…”

Simon Pyrites Third Statement
to the Licensing Board, Chapter 6, Vs 17-96


As Simon Pyrites said:

“Lo, I say unto you that it would be easier for a large rodent like, say, a capybara, to learn to drive a lorry than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

(Simon Pyrites’ 4th unpaid bill from the off-license, vs 6-14)


All funds donated will go to bona fide charitable institutions like:

*St Flagellante’s School for the Orphaned Daughters of the nobility

*The Adamhill College

The Simon Pyrites Mission 07939843556

YES! I will help! I enclose £……………… to help the invaluable work done by the mission of simon pyrites.

Please send all bank notes/cheques to:

Simon Pyrites Offshore Account
St. Helier,
C/o Hole in the Wa’ High Street, Dumfries

NO! I Will not help. I am a bastard and will go to Hell.