Behold the Word 3

THE THIRD MISSION OF
SIMON PYRITES

has challenged
The River of Life Church
To a fight in the Dock Park,
November 5th 7.00 pm.

We urge all our members
To attend and remember
The words of Simon Pyrites:

“Feareth not those who
useth brute force
for theyare miserable wretches .
The Authority
of his Word is our shield, and faith
Our blade. However, If that should fail,
Cutteth thee a leg from an
Old pair of tights and, filling
It to the brim with rubble,
Conceal it in thy pants from the old Bill
Then Ye shall see
All our enemies Flee in consternation at the
Power of our truth”

(Simon Pyrites’ third statement
to the police, chapter 14 vs 6-8)

Behold the Word 2

“and the foolish, still clinging to the wickedness
of their false ways, did howl and jeer at Simon
as he came unto them, crying “You are nought
but a chancer and profiteer who seeketh to benefit
from the miseries of others. Get thee hence!” And they
wailed mightily, seeking pennies for Happy
Hour in the seams of their garments as they wept.
Then Simon spoke, sadly, unto them, as
thou might to wayward children or retards and sayeth:
“Look at this most wretched creature” and he gestureth
towards a man slumped at his bench, haggard and
old beforeth his time, with only a tiny black
pouch to contain his few miserable pound coins, “dost thou
think thy father cares not for even such as he?”
and, before the amazed eyes of all the derelicts,
he turned the remains of the man’s whisky into
a bus pass…….

Simon Pyrite’s First Letter to Cameron House,
Chapter 3, vs 34-89.

The Mission of Simon Pyrites will be holding
A prayer meeting for the incapacitated and
their carers on Sunday 29th October in the
Hole in the Wa’ at 2.00pm
or contact your local Mission at thirdmissionofsimonpyrites@hotmail.com

Behold the Word

“….and the people were much afraid,
and went to their neighbours doors, wailing
“Who shall gathereth in the corn and arrowroot
now that our father is on incapacity benefit?”
But Simon said “showeth me the crippled
patriarch who built such strong dykes
and fathered scores of children in his mighty
breeches, so I may do the work of my heavenly
Master.” And they showeth Simon to the palette
wherein their father lay, swaddled in blankets
and drinking deeply in his despair, and Simon
sayeth, brandishing the crutches, “Rise now,
for I have a place for thee standing straight
and tall as a young sapling.” And to the
amazement of the people, even those of the
DHSS hidden among the olive trees, Simon
and he walketh without aid to the local Inn…”


Simon Pyrites Third Statement
to the Licensing Board, Chapter 6, Vs 17-96

AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, REMEMBER
THE LESS FORTUNATE.

As Simon Pyrites said:

“Lo, I say unto you that it would be easier for a large rodent like, say, a capybara, to learn to drive a lorry than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

(Simon Pyrites’ 4th unpaid bill from the off-license, vs 6-14)

GIVE GENEROUSLY TO THE CHARITABLE WORK DONE BY THE MISSION OF SIMON PYRITES

All funds donated will go to bona fide charitable institutions like:

*St Flagellante’s School for the Orphaned Daughters of the nobility

*The Adamhill College



The Simon Pyrites Mission 07939843556
thirdmissionofsimonpyrites@hotmail.com


YES! I will help! I enclose £……………… to help the invaluable work done by the mission of simon pyrites.

Please send all bank notes/cheques to:

Simon Pyrites Offshore Account
St. Helier,
Jersey
C/o Hole in the Wa’ High Street, Dumfries




NO! I Will not help. I am a bastard and will go to Hell.